The Currency of Worthiness

WHEREAS I did not desire in childhood to be a part of this
but desired most of all to be a part. A piece combined with
others to make up a whole.  Some but not all of something.”
– Layli Long Soldier, WHEREAS 

I thought if I was diligent, consistent and hardworking enough I would be chosen. I thought if I was loyal and friendly, I would be included. I thought I could make myself worthy to those I esteemed. But I often heard from family and society “Who do you think you are, one of us? You are not, you do not fit in.” They didn’t want me to be a part of, leading me to self-doubt. Doubt, the third in the trifecta of grasping, fear and doubt.

​I have known since I can remember I belong here, of this earth, of this forest, of this city. But relationships of family and society have been transactional. The earth, forest and city welcomed and held me without fail, without a price to pay, as I am, however I am.

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Siddhartha resisted every temptation Mara could devise. The lord of desire had one final test. He demanded to know who would testify that Siddhartha was worthy of attaining ultimate wisdom. And his demon army rose up to support him. Siddhartha said nothing. He reached down and touched the ground, and the earth shuddered. Mara’s demons fled.
W.S. Merwin, poet: "The Buddha reaches down, and with his finger, touches the earth. He says, 'The earth is my witness.' He said, 'Mara, you are not the earth. The earth is right here beneath my finger,' and the earth is what we're talking about. Accepting the earth, not owning the earth, not possessing the earth, but the earth just as it is, abused and exploited and despised and rejected and, plowed and mined and shat on and everything else, you know. It's still the earth, and it is, we owe everything to it.
Jane Hirshfield, poet: "He said, at this moment all beings and I awaken together. So, it was not just him. It was all the universe. He touched the earth. 'As earth is my witness. Seeing this morning star, all things and I awaken together.'" - The Buddha, PBS documentary

Bhumisparsa mudra is translated from the Sanskrit as touching the earth or calling the earth to witness the truth.

The cataclysmic realization of the past month- a month of loss and grief- was a deep understanding of belonging. I have never been able to earn belonging. Belonging means “to constitute a part of something; (also) to come from, originate in” (Oxford English Dictionary). Waking early one morning, brain again reflecting on the events of recent weeks, I may finally have gained the wisdom, the deep inner knowing that worthiness does not require the currency of proof.

Palmer Joss: Did you love your father?
Ellie Arroway: What?
Palmer Joss: Your dad. Did you love him?
Ellie Arroway: Yes, very much.
Palmer Joss: Prove it. - Contact (1997)

Jodie Foster as Ellie Arroway and Matthew McConaughey as Palmer Joss

How did I know? Because I had been wanted- without reservation - by my dogs and my husband. Together, in each of those relations, I had been a part that made a whole. Within that whole I didn’t want to be wanted, didn’t cling to fear or doubt what or who I am. Over the past month I have felt the earth’s gravity claiming me its own. I have reached my hand to the floor of the practice room, touching the Vast One that she will again claim me her own. My husband, across from me as I sobbed, firmly telling me, “You are worthy”. This time, I didn’t ask him to prove it. I didn’t doubt him. I knew he spoke the truth.

You belong somewhere you feel free” – Tom Petty, Wildflowers

Image by Karen Arnold